Random bits and worthless bites

We made it home from Florida, all three of us, in all of our respective pieces.  It'll be a cold day in DC before I fly alone with both kids again.  Actually, it wasn't so bad, just not too easy and I'd like them both to get older before attempting that endeavor again.

I was hoping to sweat off a few pounds while visiting the southern sunshine state, but, alas, the stress of being alone with two children literally pushed me into the kitchen between putting each kid down to bed to shove a cookie into my whine hole and gulp some wine to chase to the cookie.  I did a little walking, albeit, at Noah's pace, a LOT of sweating and a gained a few pounds.  Dammit.

But I do not apologize for the wine.  It was necessary. And, most enjoyable!

I've been wondering lately, after reading something that Pamela wrote about PPD, if I am once again experiencing a touch of depression.  Sure, there are days that are darker and less enjoyable than others but I am definitely able to enjoy Mallory's babyhood more than I did with Noah. So that makes me think I have dodged the bullet, but, some days, I remember how awful I felt about myself and I know I am feeling that again. Feeling frustrated with my body for not bouncing back, not re-energizing fast enough, not perking back up, not tightening back up.  I sacrificed a lot to gain less weight with this last pregnancy and it doesn't seem to have done any good in the becoming a MILF again category, so, what gives?  I think my emotional difficulties are more because of Noah's issues, which makes me feel guilty on top of the usual stress of splitting yourself between two children because I know I haven't dealt with things but each day, more is piled on and I just have to keep going forward.

I have a lot of emotional and feelings about Noah and what autism as done to me as a mother, us as a family, Mallory as a sibling, and Noah, mostly being the one with the ...disability.  I see him facing challenges and I'm trying to learn how best to help him all the while trying to just be a parent that I put my own feelings and needs aside and it is starting to catch up with me.  Er, has, it has caught up with me.

I have been exercising for four months now and haven't lost a single fucking pound. 

Wait. That's not true. I have lost and regained the same four pounds about seven times now.

The problem is my eating.  After a tantrum or a three-hour dual-child double-teamed solo-parenting bed time I head straight for the pantry and spoon anything down my throat as fast as I can.  And I'll be honest with you, it isn't usually an apple or carrot sticks. Eating actually does numb the emotions and the sting of the fatigue and stress, temporarily.  It comes charging back 

I'm tired. I am run down. I am worn thin.  I am hurting and vulnerable.  I am a new mother and a struggling mother and I am totally using food as comfort.  It feels good going down but then I immediately feel guilty for wasting yet another potential day of good eating. 

I don't have anything that fits me other than soft, stretchy exercise clothing and that is shameful. I feel shameful.  I feel frumpy and lumpy.  This is the biggest reminder really because, I don't look that bad.  We aren't talking about tons of poundage here. More like, oh ... 15 pounds. My old clothes pinch and pull in the most uncomfortable ways.

With all the exercise and healthy foods I have been eating I should absolutely be at my prepregnancy goal weight by now and enjoying the summer in shorts and tanks.   I hate that this bothers me so much.  I promised myself years ago that if I ever had a daughter I would make it my life mission to ensure that I instilled in her a positive self image and self esteem.  I want her to value herself as a healthy woman who makes positive contributions to society, loves her family, sets goals and tackles challenges, and does not waste a second of her precious life concerned with the size of her thigh or a pinchable inch or two (or four) around her midsection five months after she gives birth.  

I am jealous of the inner strength of this unapologetic woman.  I want her confidence, although I know she worked damn hard for it and deserves every ounce.  Her words inspire me and give me hope that in time, I will also love myself for what I am, regardless of what others think. 

Now, why can't I just want this for myself too? 

Comments

[leiqiong]

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[kyooty]

If you are eating healthy, and doing everything else right, and breastfeeding? yeah some people get to hold on to the "roll" that's over their belly button and before their boobs to support their kids "boob habit" just go with it. :)

[kyooty]

This is about taking care of you. we as moms put all our energy into our kids, with or without Autism. We feed them, we clothe them, we wash them and look after them. Once kids are asleep, we take a breath and "feed" ourselves, we get into our Pjs and we wash ourselves down and look after us. The first thing we reach for is food. If we don't it's something we've found that is equally filling/feeding our mind. If you can switch what you are feeding? you will be fine.
Another part of this is that we also forget that we ate? yep! it's a totally different experience to feed kids and nibble your way through you meal, or take a few bites here and there or Shovel it in faster because someone needs us? We forget we ate, or feel like we haven't or we forget what our food tasted like. If you can wait it out until that quiet time and eat a meal you enjoy? eat it slowly. If you can get help with meals and feeding the kids, remember to relax while you eat. It will make a difference.

[Stimey]

Take it easy on yourself. You are right smack in the middle of a hell of a lot of stuff right now. Quite possibly this very time that you are going through will be the hardest in your life (bright side: it's downhill from here?)

Mom stress, and especially autism mom stress, is huge. I actually just wrote about this here: http://communities.washingtontimes.com/neighborhood/autism-unexpected/2010/jun/28/your-stress-affects-your-child-how-fight-it/ Try to take care of yourself and try to not beat yourself up too much. Big hugs to you!!