Fabulous Miss S.

Pretty in Pink

Mallory, 12 weeks old. 

900 Strong and Growing

This is my 900th posting and I've so relieved to report that Noah had yet another successful day.  We are still just at the beginning of a long journey that will most definitely include some lower times but for now, can I get a Woo Hoo! 

Watching from the observation window after Parent-Support Group another father called me over and said What do you mean Noah doesn't use a cup, look!  And I just gazed back, jaw agape.  Noah was holding an open cup, with two hands, sipping his juice.  When we got home, I gave him a cup of water and he promptly poured it all over himself and then cried out because he was soaking wet.  They warned me that the skills learned in class don't always transfer to home so easily.  Heh. 

When I went in to the room to get him when lunch bunch class ended his face was red from crying but he was happy to see me and couldn't contain himself so I asked him to show me the toys.  He got in the big swing and while I was talking to one of his teachers, out of the corner of my eye, I saw him distinctly do the sign for _more_.  Once again I was all, Wait! What! Did you see that?  Did he just do that?  Did he just make the sign for more?  And once again the teachers said to me that he is in school now and he is learning things. 

Swollen with pride and nauseous from the sheer adrenaline-fueled hopeful excitement, I took his hand and as we walked out he was saying BA BA BA.  That's "Bye" ... in case you didn't get it. 

I came home so proud and so happy for him.  So happy for me.  Feeling lighter in my step and relieved that maybe this is actually working, maybe this is really going to pull him out of himself.

Then he took a ridiculously short nap for a kid who three hours earlier was falling asleep in school during circle time.  He gets that from me.  Heh.

In other news Mallory is almost three months old.  She attended her first baseball game last weekend and in this photo I finally see why people think she looks like Marc. 

Because she totally DOES look like Marc.

And then here, she looks like me, complete with wrinkles and fat cheeks.

School Days

Noah started school today.

In case you didn't read that properly, that was, MAH BABEEE ...HE IS ALL GROWED UP.

Here's the deal: He is in a three-day-a-week intensive therapy program for kids who have been diagnosed on the Autism Spectrum.  It's pre-preschool, a service offered through our county's Early Intervention Infants and Toddlers program.  He is in class with three other kids and the teacher-kid ratio is 1:1.  I feel beyond blessed to have this opportunity.  I am so glad that we live in this county were taxes and real estate are sky freakin' high, but it's beyond worth it to have these kind of services available to us. 

He did really well.  He cried the whole time, only screamed for a little while.  I caught him happy a few times, participating even, in circle time and in his arts & craft activity too.  He did very well with his one-on-one ABA work too which at this point consists of not dropping dead on the floor when they force him, physically, to come to a table and sit down and play with a toy for a few minutes.  Hard to fail, you know?  But, he only resisted moderately, and I'm told that it could have been a lot worse.

The parent educator stayed with me in the observation room almost the entire two hours, reassuring me that he was fine and it was okay that he was upset and protesting and I was all, wave-of-the-hand, wide-eyed-like It's fine, I am just so thrilled that he is here, I AM OKAY BECAUSE RIGHT NOW, SOMEONE ELSE IS WIPING HIS NOSE AND WHEN HE COMES HOME IT WILL BE BOOGER FREE.  

It is extremely hard to watch your child tantrum out of control, anger seething from them, tears running into their ears as they lay flat on the floor, red-faced and blubbering about, but, it is okay when he does it around professionals who know that it is okay.  It's only embarrassing and blood-pressure bursting when it happens at Target.  Or on the sidewalk between the house and the car. Because I put his cup in my purse instead of letting him carry it.  Or, more often, because he has a need, a thought or a desire for something and has no way to express to me what that is because he still has no words.  

I am really proud of him and really hopefully in this moment.

Book Discussion: National Geographic Green Guide Families

Silicon Valley Moms Blog April 2010 Book Club Discussion: 

GREEN GUIDE FAMILIES: The Complete Reference for Eco-friendly Parents

I go through phases where I try to be especially eco-conscious.  A few months ago I found an article listing how much you saved each month by unplugging certain appliances when not using them and turning off lights and I clipped it onto the refrigerator and for a few weeks I'd chase Marc around saying things like If you unplug your phone charger when you aren't using it we can save FOUR DOLLARS and Put on a sweatshirt because if I keep the house one degree cooler we will save thirty seven cents today!  Some of it was useful, some it was a little to hard to put into action.

It totally figures that I would watch Food, Inc and read this book all in the same weekend.  Excuse me, I need to go bury my head and my children's heads in a deep hole of sand because the world is totally contaminated and dirty and we are all going to die from over-sized-genetically-modified-often-food-borne-polybrominated-diphenyl-ethers-infecting-our-drinking-water-and-causing-asthma, also probably running up our electric bills.  And, oh, yeah, my baby wipes are totally blowing my carbon footprint to all hell.  I'm kidding!  Not really, well, a little ... but the good news is, there are things I can do to change what my family eats and how we live.  We can be healthier and leave our planet and our backyard healthier too.

I get an itch every Spring to go ultra healthy, eat local in-season foods, buy local grass-fed and free range beef and chicken and I'm planning to do that starting NOW. We already joined a CSA and I'm thrilled to the moon.  But, what about inside my house?    I'm torn on cleaning issues because I like bleach and things that claim to disinfect and kill germs.  But I recognize that these harsh products are bad for me and my kids to breath and bad for the environment.  Does baking soda and vinegar really do just as well?  And, how do I mix it?

We already recycle and use compact fluorescent light bulbs.  I don't change my sheets weekly, or well sometimes even monthly (ew, gross!) and we hang our towels to dry and get reused for about a week.  So, I'm saving several resources there.  But now I'm motivated to do more! 

The GREEN GUIDE FAMILIES book is my perfect go-to reference now for all these issues.  So many of my questions were answered just thumbing through the book. I love the tips and notes about how much you can save and what all those buzz words mean.  Just today, Marc was asking me what reverse osmosis is exactly.  He saw it on the Dasani water bottle.  It is a means of water purification but in fact, it wastes a lot of water, at least according to this book. I just learned that and explained it to Marc.  He wasn't terrible impressed either. I call marketing ploy!

There is so much information in this book, I can't even figure out which was more helpful and informative.  I just love easy reference books and short little snippets to read in the thirty seconds I have at night before my eye lids slam shut or in the bathroom when I'm hiding from the children. What!

If you need reliable information about anything home related, vaccines and vitamins, food safety, seafood safety, bath products and school supplies, this is a great reference.  It makes a wonderful gift too! 

Sometimes I even hide in the bathroom to write.  Really.

Through the magnifying glass

A big huge corny cheesy virtual hug to all of you who left comments last week saying that you are here and listening and that you might have also been in this place before and you are still alive, that, yes, it is dark and lonely but not dreadful.  I can't tell you how much your comments meant to me.  I am still holding onto each comment like it was a bouquet of pink tulips, my fave.  Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. 

::

Sometimes I just can't shake the feeling of being overwhelmed.  I feel it as a heaviness in my arms, a tightness in my chest and stomach and a wobbliness in my legs.  I guess this is anxiety.  A little 60 mg pill usually keeps this all in check but lately life is overriding modern chemistry and its remarkable abilities to quell a neurotic brain on caffeine overdrive and postpartum (lack of) hormones. The days are tense now.  We live in a new world. It's like waking up and realizing the seasons changed overnight without any warning and you are still wearing a wool sweater and everyone else is in a sundress and flip-flops.  But you don't have a sundress and flip-flops because, wait! ...  What happened? Blink harder maybe you'll wake up.  But it isn't a dream.

I find myself reflecting back on a time not very long ago, last fall maybe, the end of last summer, when Noah was about 18 or 19 or 20 months old.  I remember worrying that I wasn't enjoying my time with just him enough.   Was I too absorbed in my pregnancy?  Was I too tired, too overcome with migraines and morning sickness to notice my little boy slipping deeper into a non-verbal world self-focused repetition filled with anxiety and irritability, or did it not happen that way at all?

I take a magnifying glass to my memories and recall a tantrum about standing on the scale at the doctor's office at his eighteen month check up.  I specifically told his pediatrician he had stopped saying a few words but he said I shouldn't worry.  When left to his own devices, Noah would methodically carry one can of soda from the kitchen shelf, place it on the coffee table in the next room and run back for another one.  When the line of silver cans was sufficient, he would undo the procedure and put them back, wash, rinse, repeat.  He could entertain himself! How great! Or so we thought.

He cried when other kids tried to play with him.  I assumed he was shy. Or tired. Or didn't like that kid.  I waited anxiously for words. I knew at eighteen months that in the next two I would hear something for sure.  Then I felt certain that even a late talker would have words by 22 or 23 months, tops.  November became December and he grew days closer to being two.  I left him at a friend's house to go to my 36-week OB appointment and he stood at the window crying then entire time.  He screamed louder when my friend approached him.    

Was he really fine and normal when I filled out his M-CHAT on December 15th, just six days before his 24 month birthday?   I've read a few mentions about the concept of parental denial when it comes to answering questions about your child's development and communication.  As a parent you automatically feel that your child understands you.  Oh sure!  He doesn't always listen or do as he's told but he understands us!  Hum ... not so much apparently.  I stand by the fact that I didn't lie on these questionnaires.  I believed my child just had an expressive speech delay so of course he looked at other children and of course he looked at my face when he didn't know what to do, of course he waved and pointed, but, oh ... wait. Hum, No.

My adorable and cherubic little baby boy has never pointed with one finger, sure, he gestures and pats but no single fingered pointing.  He doesn't wave good-bye and never has.  He doesn't say any words at almost 28 months old.  I just thought I was lucky that my toddler doesn't yell "NO".  He also has never shaken his head for 'yes' or 'no'.  He's never told me he was hungry or thirsty or tired.  He doesn't know how to play with his toys because he prefers to line them up neatly anywhere he can.  When we saw his new pediatrician specifically for the ASD diagnosis, almost as if on command to perform something really outrageous and strange, he opened a drawer and removed all the urine specimen cups.  He lined them up all over the room. For over an hour. 

As I look at all these things and type them out word by word, event by event I still run the loop of doubt through my mind.  And i just shake my head as if to sort of the thoughts and I just move forward because I have to.