Fabulous Miss S.:

I woke up with a sore throat that is still bothering me eight hours later. The only relief is swallowing something cold or sucking endlessly on sugar drenched cough drops. Either I'm getting sick, fucking again, which would just be a cruel twist of karmatic mis-fate or ... what I have suspected all day, my throat is burning from the stomach acid that pregnancy is forcing up my esophagus anytime I'm not exactly vertical.

On a similar note, I haven't written much about pregnancy this time around because, for one, it is what it is, similar to the last one and full of unpleasant side effects and symptoms that are sure to make you laugh and me cry.

For example, I always have to pee. Prior to stepping into the shower the other night, I felt the need to ... fart. So I attempted, and instead, I peed on myself. I haven't shaved my legs in over a week and I only did it then because I was on my way to get a last minute pedicure because I can't even reach my toes anymore, and they were not pretty. I haven't seen my vagina in months. Nor has anyone else for understandable reasons.

The left side of my face and neck are experiencing horrendous-teenage-boy-scale acne while the area just south of my eyes is experiencing dry, itchy redness. There isn't a lazy follicle on my head right now and all of my hair is growing rapidly and haphazardly. They tell you pregnancy isn't the time for going ultra short with your hair, well, it also isn't the time to go from super-chic-short to shoulder length because the growing out period isn't pretty when you are at a normal weight, let alone with the above mentioned skin misfortune and 30 extra pounds.

I won't even mention the humiliation of being winded after walking one damn flight of stairs.

Anyway, since you came here for something better than this, here are some pictures.

I was putting Noah to bed tonight and while we were cuddling in the chair in his room, he was laying across my lap, sort of curled around my belly with his head on my chest. For reasons I cannot explain baby sister was trying to reach out and poke him because her kicks were so strong and spread across my entire belly that it actually made my stomach hurt and do one of those queasy flips. She is more active in-utero than Noah was but in a different way that isn't easy to explain, it just feels different.

It is in those moments, when the lights are low and we are cuddling that I realize I am holding BOTH of my children. The feeling warms me and frightens me just the same, because, dude! CHILDREN!

WARNING: Next tidbit is ... gross.

We have a lot of pets; 4 cats and 1 dog. Our house isn't big so we really feel each other's presence. It is rare that a week will pass when some cat doesn't harf semi-digested cat food all over the way-too-white-for-our-tastes carpet. The dog, however, he has a rather resilient gastrointestinal tract. Usually. After retrieving him from his weekend spent in the country at doggie paradise camp (my parent's house), I assumed the car ride and the excitement was a bit much for him because twice tonight he has harfed somewhere in the house. Unlike the cats who leave it to dry and harden, the dog is a self contained apparatus. All you hear is a watery cough and within seconds it's gone. Just ... gone. Why can't cats clean up after themselves in this same way?

Two out of three of us are now H1N1 Swine Flu immune. Noah got his first vaccine today after his pediatrician only had the nasal injection for the first month of vaccine-seeking hell. I was ready to argue that SIX WEEKS shy of age two is close enough for the nasal injection, but I didn't think it would go over well. I'm sure those CDC guidelines are rather rooted in cement. Alas, he got his shot today and we go back in a month for a "booster". Poor guy, we walked into the nurse's station where they give shots and he went all limp and rubber-limbed and even starting crying a whole twenty seconds before the needle was even visible. It was over in seconds and he recovered, shockingly in seconds.

After I got mine, I didn't have any of the typical side effects that are common with seasonal flu vaccine, like aches, headache, pain at the site of injection and low fever and lethargy for a few hours. Noah woke from his nap feeling a little warm so just to be on the safe side I dosed him with Tylenol to take off the edge of antibody-building malaise. So far, so good.

Sunday afternoon we got home from a weekend spent visiting Marc's grandparents in Pittsburgh and I ran out to get a much needed haircut. These sort of personal outings are completely out of the question during the week, along with pooping in privacy and sleeping past 6:30AM. I had a nice relaxing time getting my hair trimmed; there is only so much cutting involved when you are growing out a super-short 'do. Afterward, I went across the street for a pedicure. I'm at that lovely point in pregnancy when you are no longer able to reach parts of your own body, many of which exist many inches north of my feet, but for now, I was just after a good toe-nail clipping and painting.

I came home with salon-styled hair and a fresh coat of paint on my massaged and scrubbed feet and I felt absolutely fantastic. Nothing could top the moment....

Except, coming home to find Marc CLEANING. And VACUUMING! It was like a dream really.

Like a trooper, I rallied and decided that I would probably need to put out that night. Shocked was I when Marc passed out at 8:15 while reading and watching football.

Rather than tell him this, I figure I'll let him read it here, although, with my luck, he'll read it six weeks from now when I'm fatter and far more flatulent and the notion of gettin' busy is itself a pipe dream.

In regards to the story above about coming home from a rare chance at pampering and finding my husband cleaning (GASP!), I noticed that he had vacuumed the steps but it only appeared to be half done. I could see vacuum tracks but I was still stepping on crumbs and detritus (recall: with my feet freshly scrubbed I could feel each piece of carpet).

What to do? Complain about how he didn't do it right or just be glad that he finally (fucking finally!!) realized that I'm seven goddamn months pregnant and just getting out of bed takes energy, let alone cleaning this filth-trap.

I decided to be a good wife, since (see above for details) I haven't yet had to put out in exchange for this brief use of the vacuum, and NOT SAY ANYTHING NEGATIVE. This is one of the hardest things I have done because the words are on the tip of my tongue and I'm afraid they are going to tumble out at the worst moment and he'll never again lift a finger in the direction of house-chores.

So, I'm telling the Internet, that he vacuumed the steps but not with the accessories brush but rather, all lazy like and not picking on this one minor detail is causing me a lot of gas.

STACY 1 OBNOXIOUS NAGGING WIFE-GENE 0

Whew!

I much prefer to hear Faith Hill sing during the NFL commercials on NBC than the dude on ESPN.

Just sayin'.