Book Discussion: What Happened To The Girl I Married?

Silicon Valley Moms Group JULY Book Discussion

What Happened to the Girl I Married?  by Michael Miller

 I am a stay-at-home mother to a one and a half year old boy and I am expecting another baby in February.  My husband works long hours in the technology/sales field.   He is successful and hardworking and he supports us and makes it possible for me be home and watch my son grow up day by day, tantrum by table-climbing tantrum.  For that, I am very grateful. Usually.

Being the domestic goddess that I am is not easy.  I say this with much tongue in cheek because my house is far, oh so far, from spotless. There are days when I feed my son yogurt, applesauce and a few graham crackers FOR DINNER. The laundry often backs up so high the pile falls on top of me when I try to empty the hamper and since I'm being honest here, I'm also not the loving, doting, ready for sex every-night-at-a-moments-notice type of wife.  

Reality is, I'm freakin' exhausted!  The sheer futility of my "job" is enough to keep the makers of Zoloft and Xanax in business for many years to come.  My son likes to pull the kitchen towel off of the oven door rack the second after I place it there.  So I fix it.  Thirty seconds later, it is on the ground again.  And this cycle repeated itself five times over in a matter of several minutes tonight just as I was cleaning up the kitchen.  Frustration much?  There is also the matter of picking up toys.  Put the blocks in the bin only to have the toddler dump the bin one hour later.  Repeat this a few times throughout the day.  Much of my time is spent fixing something that the toddler did in the few minutes it took for me to divert my attention so that I could do something else for him, like make food.  Futility.  It should be Chapter ONE in every Home Economics course.

Before I proceed, let me explain why I write this, the book was a great read for me.  I give it TWO BIG THUMBS UP.   Here is why:  1) It's a concise easy read, 2) It's an honest, unpretentious memoir, 3) It's relate-able, 4) Speaking as a women here, this story is a man's perspective on something we rarely get a man's perspective about, therefore, insightful!

It was refreshing to read about the evolution of a husband who can smugly admit that he once thought his wife had it easy staying at home raising children.  Being a stay-at-home parent is one of the hardest jobs in the world.  It is the hardest job I have ever had. The hours are longer, the pay, well, the pay sucks!  There are very few thanks, particularly from the uber-needy one who can't even talk yet.  There is little validation or confirmation that you are doing something, anything, correctly.  Frustrations run high, fatigue is an all-too-common visitor, heck, peeing alone is a pipe dream.  The payoff, the satisfaction of this job, speaking as a mother and wife, comes from being appreciated, thanked, loved, and most importantly understood.  When my husband takes a moment to ask specifically how I am, thanks me for something I did and realizes that my time is slim and our son is a challenge, it makes me feel validated. Isn't that what we all want?  To feel that what we are doing with our days is valued by someone?  Now, I've had to teach him to do this and honestly, I still doubt his sincerity and originality, at times because, lets face it, I told him what to say to me.  But, at least he says it. 

Michael Miller tells his story of resenting his wife's "free time" and how she "had it so easy" and his transformation to admiring her ability to put up with him for so long and how he came to value her job as challenging, worthwhile and admirable.  He came to this conclusion over a period of months between jobs while he essentially took over her role at home and the accompanying chores, duties and responsibilities.  It is often said among women that men would act so different if they just did our job for one day.  Miller did this.  He admits to being wrong and having a vastly incorrect notion of life on the other side.   He tells his story with humor and in concise vignettes that are a head-nodding-in-agreement pleasure to read.  Couples should read this story together, it will definitely promote some good conversation.

Now, I just need my husband to read this book because I suspect (hope) that he'll take another dude's word for it, that indeed, my job just might be harder than his.  (Shhh!  We want him to realize this on his own.)

Click here for Michael Miller's website about What Happened to the Girl I Married?

To read other discussions about this book visit DC Metro Moms.

Comments

[Buy Viagra]

great post about Book Discussion: What Happened To The Girl I Married? thanks for sharing!!

[Jill Asher]

I just love this post.

My husband is now reading this book (after I finished it in one night) with all my UNDERLINED pages.

[Michael Miller]

I'm thrilled that the book resonated with you. I fully realize that my year walking in my wife's shoes at home was only a "snapshot" of what she experienced over years. She experienced everything I did in much greater breadth and depth, and she dealt with things when the kids were babies/toddlers that I never had to. It is my hope that comes accross to spouses out there that take the chance to read it...look what it was like for only a year, imagine it for 10 or 20?

When I decided to write the book, I started out with a few goals in mind: (1) Keep it short so that it's length would not be a obstacle for guys like me reading it; (2) Use subtitles so it could be digested in sections (As bathroom reading if necessary); (3) Be brutally honest about myself to maximize the chance it might help someone else. It's great to hear in your recommendation that these things made a difference.

Where the book has had the most impact is where both spouses have read it. I hope your husband takes the time. Keep me posted.

Thanks again for your thoughtful review.

[julie: Just Precious]

I'm loving this discussion because its making me realize that so many of us live the same lives. We're not spotless, we're not perfect. If only the husband's could see that its just not us. Wish they would take the time to read all of the responses to this book!

[melanie]

i think you are right: it is the futility that makes it hard to keep going. why even put the towel back up if it will just be on the floor again...but it still needs to go back up eventually to keep your sanity!

[Rox]

LMAO: "Futility. It should be Chapter ONE in every Home Economics course." So true, so true!

[lisa]

I agree, I appreciated the fact that the writer openly admits all the prejudices he held about SAHMs.
Great post. And I agree with the other poster, OMG yes, having another human inside you while caring for another toddler. Takes so much out of you. I remember those days.

[bonggamom]

I loved that you addressed the "futility" of the SAHM job. Clean something and 5 minutes later it's dirty again. Wash something and 1 day later the pile is bigger than it was before. It's like that Greek dude Sisyphus-or-whatever-his-name-is, pushing the boulder up the hill and having it roll down all over again.

[Sophia Leto (aka Moody Mommy)]

No wonder you are tired, you are growing another human being inside of you! I was never so tired as when I had one child and was pregnant with another. As for what you feed your toddler. My pediatrician says to aim for a proper variety of foods throughout the week (not per meal and not even per day). I actually didn't think this was such a great read, but at least it was quick! I'd rather my husband read it b/c I'm living it already.