Fabulous Miss S.

Revelations and Realizations

Because I have so much time on my hands, what with all the don't dilate before you get to 37 weeks mischagas, I have been reading some blogs and today Amalah wrote about personality traits that she sees in her two year old son that resemble her actions and behaviors as a child and it got me to thinking about the fact that I had always wanted to get my shit together before I had kids. 

Well, hell.  I remembered this today.  At 36 weeks pregnant. 

So, basically, I need to think fast.

It is very important to me that I don't pass on my tendency to be negative, quick to anger, my anticipatory anxiety and the resulting panic attacks that I spent the greater part of my twenties battling. The only conciliation I have is that I have managed mild anxieties throughout my pregnancy without the aid of medication.  I've forced myself to breathe and relax and realize that I need to chill the hell out and just deal with the present moment.  I should continue this I know.

I want to be a calm mother. I want to teach my children to breathe when they get angry and recognize perspective, not blame themselves and doubt their abilities.  I want them to be confident and not shattered by one negative teasing comment.  That isn't an easy habit to teach when I don't feel so confident myself right now.  I've never loved the way I look.  And if I don't love my body, how do I teach my children to be healthy and strong and confident in who they are?   

I want to teach my children to be open minded and fair and to take a moment each day to reflect and relax.  But I don't even do this myself.  I want to.  But there never seems to be time.  And is it okay that I only manage this with a glass of Chardonnay?

My Dad tells me that when you see your own behaviors reflected back at you in your children it is an awakening like no other.  I am both horrified and excited to see what my unborn son will be like as a real person.  I fear that he may take after his father and think that news is what you watch on ESPN but I would love if he slept as easily and as early as Marc does.  And from me, maybe he'll inherit my awesome cooking skills and my ability to use power tools.

Biofeedback be damned, the EmWave will save you

Ahem.

Cough, cough.

Excuse me.

Perhaps I'm missing something.  I just saw this new device profiled on the evening news and I totally lost it.  The EmWave is a device marketed as a "personal stress reliever" that when held in your hand and it tells you based on a series of LED displays and audio feedback what your stress level is any given moment and how to lower it for overall improvement in vitality and mental clarity. It can be yours for only $179! It  claims to improve overall health, reduce fatigue and sleeping problems,and improve emotional health.   

When I first saw this device profiled my jaw dropped.  Do we really need a device to tell us when we are tense? To tell us that our jaw is clenched? Our neck muscles too tight? Our breathing too shallow?

I suppose if you are nose deep in a blackberry while simultaneously trying to eating dinner and spend quality time with your family, you are too busy to notice your own breathing, therefore you will need to grab onto another device to make sure you aren't too stressed by the multitasking.

Are we as a society too preoccupied to notice when we are feeling too tense and perhaps sense the need to take a walk around the block?  I love my technology as much as the next person, really.  I use my laptop while watching television that was digitally recorded the night before just so that I can fast forward through the commercials.  I have a cell phone and a digital camera and I will admit, the iPhone and iTouch are very cool, but, overpriced devices that I can absolutely live without. 

If our constant connection to phones, computers and blackberries are contributors to our inability to relax and separate and de-stress, is another device really our only hope?  Are we only able to trust information that comes to us through a technological device?   Has society forgotten how to recognize something as simple as a biofeedback response like a clenched jaw or tension headache?  Are we so helpless that we can't take a signal from our bodies to get some damn fresh air, take a breath, slow down, and chill the fuck out? 

A device that serves solely to tell you when you are stressed completely misses the boat that is self awareness which is really the core to overall stress reduction. 

Please, please, please .... what will be next?  A device reminding you to talk with your spouse, or hug your children?   

Life is so short, I think it is sad that we have outsourced yet one more way of taking responsibility for ourselves and our lives. 

 

Belly pictures, 36 weeks.

Marc took this picture of me tonight while I was cooking dinner.  I'm 36 weeks and 3 days pregnant.  Essentially, fully gestated.  Also, I gained another inch in girth.  My belly, at my belly button, or what used to be my belly button now measures 47 inches around.

Full frontal nudity here.

Marc laughed at me last night when I tried to walk sideways between in the basement hallway so that I could walk past the open door to the storage room/cat-litter room. 

I got stuck.

Marc laughed.

Must be that extra inch of girth.

I think he knows what's inside.

Family Portrait: Hines, Marc and my abdomen. 

Waiting

I'm still here. The fetus is still inside me. Although, I suppose he's more like a small newborn than a fetus.  Kind of crazy to think about actually.  I'm 36 weeks pregnant today which is actually full-term. A full 9 months. 

We went to Thanksgiving and it was as enjoyable as it could be when you are too full of baby to eat more than three bites.  I'm sore and bored and waiting.

Marc and I spent the weekend doing a few household chores and watching some movies which was really very nice.  I am afraid every night when I go to bed that that might be our last night alone for a long time.  Although, to be honest, I'd be perfectly happy to have the baby today.

My midwife is out of town Wednesday through Sunday of next week.  I can have the baby before Tuesday night or after next weekend.  Keep your fingers crossed.

Eviction is nearing

I'm 34 weeks and 3 days pregnant and I am having an increasing number of moments each day when I wish eviction was near. 

This morning I was exhausted and didn't have enough energy to check my email but I haven't stopped moving since lunch time. I did some laundry and some ironing, hung clothes in the baby's room. Cleaned a few rooms in the house and baked banana muffins. I took the dog for a long walk and did a little vacuuming and collected all the trash for pick-up tomorrow.  I cleaned the kitchen and doted on Marc who is sick with some sort of cold and fever thing that makes him whine and moan and act very helpless.  I figure that if I don't get his sickness I will at least need the same kind of care when I'm in labor and immediately afterward, so its all good karma I suppose.

The fetus is kicking me quite hard these days.  I suppose that means his muscle tone is improving which is just another positive sign that he is growing well and preparing for the ultimate, eviction day.

I did have a weak moment today. I spent about close to an hour trying to hang a curtain rod in the baby's room to hold a curtain that I have washed and ironed (this nesting thing is incredible, god help this house after I give birth and no longer give two shits about cleaning the baseboards)*.  I ended up just putting six holes in the wall. The screws wouldn't go all the way in. I was using an electric drill over my head and my arm strength just isn't what it used to be.  I ended up really mad because I made a mess, didn't finish the job, and just felt huge and awkward and exhausted from going up and down a ladder for thirty minutes.  And then I got yelled at by the next person I spoke to who freaked the hell out that I was on a two-step step-ladder.  I'm so tired of people seeing me as a weak and fragile being.  I'm starting to feel that way though. 

The current baby position is this: feet pushing up and out through the top of my abdomen and head pushing down on my bladder and pubic bone.  I am feeling occasional kicks resonate against my hip bone.  I don't know what that means but if it means I'm closer to "dropping" or "lightening" I'm cool with that, see above referenced desire for eviction.   

* Baseboard and windowsills seem to be my biggest issues right now.  I'm cleaning as much as I can but I really cannot contort myself or get up from the floor after cleaning things that low to the ground.  So, there isn't much improvement but there are moments and spots of baseboard that are cleaner than the kitchen counter.