It's Saturday night, June 16th, almost midnight, and I've been living 30 hours with this deep sadness and fear that my pregnancy is over.
Zzzzpppp.
Just over.
I'm still pregnant though.
Let me back up and explain.
I woke up Friday morning, feeling very good and very excited to go for my NT test. That's the nuchal tube test, where with a high level sonogram, the fluid space in the back of the baby's neck is examined and measured. I put on a "maternity bra" because it is the most comfortable right now, a pink maternity tank top and my white fleece pants and jacket. It was a sunny but cool morning. Possibly the last cool morning for the entire summer.
The thought, no, the mere concept that anything, anything bad would be discovered never ever crossed my mind. That sort of pregnant innocence? I wish on everyone I know. I know I will never again in this or any other subsequent pregnancy in my lifetime feel what I felt while I sat in the waiting room that morning.
RESULTS
The "normal" range allows for the fluid filled space to be as thick as 2.5mm before they worry. Me? 4.5mm Upon later
I'm not a scientist but I'm not stupid. That's an insane amount above the normal range and indicates to me that the time to panic is actually NOW.
After many tears and a slight jump in blood pressure, I insisted and consented to a CVS test. Choronic Villi Sampling is a test where a needle is passed into the placenta in one of two ways, trans-abdominally or trans-vaginally. Mine went through my abdomen. They take a sample of tissue from the placenta which holds all of the chromosomal information. The testing and results take three business days.
I have spent almost two full days alternately thinking the following:
1. I am no longer going to be pregnant and this makes me very angry and very sad. And who the hell is going to pay for taking this away from me?
2. I have wasted a lot of time with the icky parts of pregnancy feeling tired and queasy and being overly sensitive to smells for absolutely nothing and I will never go through this again because fuck you world you fucked with me and my baby.
3. what the hell is wrong with my eggs?
4. what is wrong with marc's sperm?
5. how can you prove to me that this is totally random and I am the fucking 1 in 1100 women who are aged 27 and have chromosomal abnormalities and this will never happen again?
6. i hate looking and feeling pregnant right now
7. wondering what i can do to end my pregnancy this second and get it all over with so i can get back to my life as soon as possible
8. wondering how long it will take for a) my boobs to return to regular size, b) my rib cage to shrink back to normal, c) my waist line to get to normal again ... because I don't want to wear my maternity clothes anymore but I sort of have to because nothing else fits and it's really just a kick while I'm down to have to wear them for even one more hour
9. how soon can i get pregnant again? I have heard that I should wait three months and also wait until after this baby was going to be due. do i even want to be pregnant again?
10. wondering what the actual abortion will feel like and what I'll feel like afterward (have since googled this and am much more worried and angry than before) Hear me now: I will not return to work or even leave my house until I am no longer bleeding. Because, GOD, the reminder.
11. wondering how much more mad and angry i could actually be after that
12. hoping that i don't hate any other pregnant woman
13. wanting to hide from work and the world until i have results on wednesday Monday.
14. cursing the world because i will never have a pregnancy protected from worry every again
15. hating everyone
MONDAY
I found out today, preliminarily, there is no downs and no translocation abnormality on Chromosome 13, 18 or 21. No trimsomy disorders. Yeah! Am very much out of half of the woods. Am very much NOT out of the other half. I have to wait another week to find out about the remaining 20 chromosomes and if there are any abnormalities on them. Most likely, if there is a problem, there is some sort of heart defect. GOD.
TUESDAY
Don't even ask about Tuesday. I worked. The train was late getting home. I fell asleep while fast forwarding through the TiVo'd TODAY Show to see Bon Jovi singing. Am very mad and very anxious and probably yelled at Marc by accident.
WEDNESDAY
Sometime next week when everyone I know reads this and I have results and a game plan for either continuing this pregnancy or terminating this pregnancy, people will begin to understand why I ignored them all week. Right now, I'm just a horrible friend.
This waiting and this worry is absolutely unimaginable. I actually don't wish it on my worst enemy. I don't have many enemies, but there are people I don't like, even them, I would spare this trauma.
I don't want to be a high risk pregnancy and I don't want a scheduled C-Section. I cannot bring a child into this world who doesn't have a fair shot at life. That's all there is to it. The terminating isn't a question for me. If there are abnormalities, that is the only outcome. However, I'm very much afraid of the procedure itself. Mostly the after-effects. And partly, because I have a real aversion to pads vs.tampons. I know that if I have to do that, I want to spend the next week numb, like, over-dosed on Xanax numb.
THURSDAY
It's 3:16pm and I'm eating a Hot Pocket. I'm really only eating it because I know I need the protein before I get my weekly pretzel at the train station before I get on the train. I do this on Thursdays because it reminds me a little that my commuting week is over. I work from home on Fridays.
I am happy to say that I have not even once today googled any of the potentially horrific outcomes that are just on the tip of my tongue ...
FRIDAY
I'm ridiculously and stupidly positive today. I have many more moments when I think that everything will work out and the only inconvenience is that I get to see my baby on an ultrasound every 2-3 weeks for the next two months.
FAST FORWARD A WEEK TO TUESDAY JUNE 26th
CVS results are in. Clean, normal chromosomes! Woo Hoo! In the past week I reached out to several women who I know have experienced various forms of loss. They were invaluable. They really helped me get through the week of waiting by telling me to be as positive as possible but that fear, anger, sadness and frustration were totally normal and to yell at them and cry to them because they "knew". I owe these gals a big thanks. You know who you are.
I went back for another anatomy scan and the baby is developing normally and on-time, actually a few days ahead of schedule to be honest. Which, actually, is fine by me. I figure, my child? Must be a bit of an overachiever, even in utero. Hehehe.
At my last appointment, there was a heartbeat of 155 beats per minute, and we got the thumbs up that things are OK.
I didn't know what to do with this entry. Two weeks ago I wrote about a test I was having, thinking everything would be fine, and why it ultimately looks like it will be, I didn't know how to post about it at the time. We also only told our parents and few friends. I have to have a few more high level ultra sounds and in a few weeks, a fetal echo-cardiogram. This will confirm that the baby's heart is normal.
I wouldn't be true to my blog or my sense of humor if I didn't post this one last picture. In two weeks time, a lot of growth happens on these little fetus guys. And, because I know it makes my darling husband and his brother so damn proud, I share with you this last sonogram picture.
