Fabulous Miss S.

The one where I write about Katie Couric and poop. With all due respect.

In considering my next post, I have to contribute my live-blogging of the Today's Show today, May 31, 2006. It is Katie Couric's last day on the Today Show. 

This is like a flash back through the news and current events of my adult life.  I really don't want to wax poetic on the life and impacts of Ms. Couric - however, I will say that I do admire her gusto, her ability to talk with people and mostly to remain a real person. It goes without saying that her colonoscopy on morning television was quite admirable.   

But, really, what morning news program am I going to watch now ?  I may have to pass up news for TBS reruns of Saved by the Bell. Ouch. Need to get a life!

On a totally separate, and somewhat gaseous note, after eating totally pure, healthy foods for weeks on end, DO NOT break the purity with Papa Johns Pizza and sauce.  GOD. The sauce. My gut. My. GOD.  I think Hurricane Isabelle has reformed ... in my colon!   

The one where I write about the block.

I have been asked to put together a writing sample.  I have to create a piece of original, interesting, authentic and job-winning prose. 

I can do this. 

I just have one thing keeping me from getting started. 

I don’t know what to write about. 

I once heard on an episode of Golden Girls  (shut it!) that you had to actually be writing something to have writers block.  However, I’m feeling a very certain block at this moment and I am not sure how to resolve this situation and get some damn words typed.

I can do fine if someone just gives me a topic.  You know, like, Analyze the pros and cons of butter versus margarine.  Or, Discuss your ideas about how the actions of professional sports figures effects the youth who idolize them. Or, What did Robert Frost mean when he said “Good fences make good neighbor.” in the last line of his poem, Mending Walls? 

So, dear readers, I ask you, please submit a question; keep it tasteful, a job is on the line here. Give me something I can write about!!!!! 

For inspiration, here is a picture of my family taking yesterday during our little party.  Aren’t I cute?

When is a fart not a fart? When it is my shoes!

I wasn’t sure what to expect from my first wine-tasting event.  I am pretty sure that showing up post Saturday-morning-kick-ass workout and without having breakfast was not the girl scouty always-be-prepared mentality that I usually tend to exercise in these situations.  For the record, I was a girl scout, against my will, for two years during fourth and fifth grade.

It wasn’t a fancy wine-tasting.  Thank GOD. ‘Cause, I was wearing my fart-shoes.

Yeah, you heard that right. My fart-shoes. My shoes fart.  It wasn’t me, I swear.  I didn’t notice in the store when I recently bought the brown-beaded-strappy things because it was too loud in the store to hear the little pfft of air that gets stuck in the deep-set foot bed.  Walking down the street?  Totally not a problem. But, in a small and relatively quiet room, my shoes, well … they make an inappropriate noise that has the potential to cause serious embarrassment. 

I tasted nine wines in a matter of minutes.  For the first time, I really noticed the different flavors and tastes of the grapes.  I bought a few wines and got some good wine-education too.  It was much easier to browse the gourmet sauce aisle.  Blueberry-pear butter!!  YUM! And … hot pepper jelly. 

The infamous farting shoes.  Yeah folks! They are from Target.

My cat has a shoe fetish. Next thing I know, he'll be on Dateline's To Catch a Predator. Sheesh!

I've got mail!

WARNING: My moment of shallowness for today is ahead!

Taylor Hicks just sang Levon and I am seriously considering leaving my life in Maryland to marry him. NOW.

The moment passed.

Unfortunately, the song wasn't as good as it could have been. But still. It was nice to hear it again.

I spent an hour trying to put together a funny and sarcastic entry about those solicitations you get in the mail that look just like a personal invitation.  The excitement builds! Someone invited ME to something!  But, just when you are wondering what the occasion is and who sent this magical little burst of happiness through the mail, you notice that the postmark has been stamped by a machine and your heart sinks a little.  By the time you see that this little piece of marketing bulk-mail is nothing but an "INVITATION" (yeah, right!!) to "join" ... The Kennedy Center, your heart is ... blank, again. 

Finally, as you decide that this makes a decent but definitely sub-par posting, you get a big 'ole paper cut from the "Have you seen me?" postcard and then you just feel like a spaz who has nothing better to write about a whole fabulous day of life except a sarcastic bit about the mail.

Stolen from Zoot cause I know she would want the LISTING to live on.

I AM: Procrasting doing the laundry.

I SAID: Mi-az to Marc. He didn't laugh at his own damn joke.

I WANT: To be a successful, published writer. And a Mom. And, Happy.

I WISH: I didn't have to worry about money.

I HATE: Selfish, narrow-minded people.

I MISS: The innocence of childhood.

I FEAR: That I will one day regret the choices I have made in life. 

I HEAR: The airconditioner running. And my own voice in my head.

I WONDER: Was Gloria Estefan right? Is the rhythm going to get me?

I REGRET: Letting fear keep me from having more fun and taking more chances when I was younger.

I AM NOT: As low maintenance as I once thought myself to be.

I DANCE: In my dreams and I'm great!

I SING: Very LOUDLY in the car when I drive alone.

I AM NOT ALWAYS: Honest with myself.

I MADE: Very little progress on my proposal this weekend. :(

I WRITE: Way too many shallow stories that I fear are not even remotely entertaining.

I CONFUSE: 'i' before 'e', except after 'c' ...

I NEED: To lose 25 pounds.

I SHOULD: Be more thankful for what I have.

I START: More projects than I can finish.

I FINISH: Other people's sentences. It is a bad habit.

I BELIEVE: Life is an adventure.

I KNOW: Deep down, I am a truly unique and loving person.

I CAN: Cook very well.

I CAN’T: Design a damn blog. No matter how hard I try.

I SEE: A boring, unpainted apartment.

I BLOG: 'Cause I secretly love the exposure and it helps me put my thoughts on record. I'm not sayin' this is a good thing. 

I READ: Too many blogs written by moms.  It makes me want a baby, NOW.

I AM AROUSED BY: A gentle touch of a hand.

IT PISSES ME OFF: That I live in an area where real estate costs like, a gagillion dollars per square foot.

I FIND:  The truth can be hard to swallow sometimes. But, so can a serving spoon glopped with peanut butter.

I LIKE: Thunderstorms and snowstorms

I LOVE: My family. Without them, I don't know who I am.